Hope(-ful/-less)

I sit up for an extra second
after hitting my alarm
just to make the collapse
back to pillow
that much more enjoyable
curling under
burying deeper and deeper
until I simply vanish
into a whispered word
“hibernation”
left to dream away the next three months
returning with the sun
to kiss the earth and coax the seeds
up from their warm beds
(at this point, as if reading my thoughts
the shrill piercing dream-shattering beep
reminds me that I am only permitted 5 minutes to snooze
and damn well better start my day.)

It’s days like these that call for
tucking myself away
hiding from
greetings begging to be returned
phones crying to be answered
Hellos and Thank Yous and Of Courses
lock the doors and pull the curtains shut
feeding on brush strokes
drunk on sweet lingering piano notes
greedily devouring poem after poem
romanced by the kiss of an exceptionally striking phrase
burying myself in waking dreams
conscious escapes

I’ve been losing all insubstantial substance
it started with small talk
then went pleasantries
(I’ve never been good at lying)
patience soon wandered away
explanation tragically tumbled from a window
(but that was years ago, and we rarely mention it)

unburdened by these false friends
I’m lighter than air, drifting drifting
wandering through hallways of thought
begging silently to each window and wall
for an adventure
an escape

I live until it hurts
laughing til my lips crack and bleed
weathered by winter wind
idly pulling at my nails edge
til the skin submits and peels
reveals tiny specks of red
walking till my ankles rub bare
rouge enraged blisters

and I love my heart raw
always exposed to the elements
on display, sorry and weathered
battered but resilient
I’m always stumbling and dropping it
tissue tearing
forming and reforming
stronger and new

I’m hopelessly careless
don’t trust me with your breakables